Beat the ho-ho Woes: Christmas Blues in the season of red and green

Christmas is a time to spend with family and friends - well, that's what they say. But for many Hongkongers, it's a lonely time, writes P.Ramakrishnan. 

Recently divorced Chris Smith* is bracing for a Christmas he will most probably not remember - and doesn't care to either. Instead of spending the five-day break with his family as in previous years, he plans to hit every bar in town. 

"Since we separated, this will be the first time off when I'm not being woken by kids and the dog and post-eggnog nausea," he says. "My wife - my ex wife - is taking our kids back home to London. After years of dreaming about when the kids would learn to sleep in during the holidays, I'm not quite ready for a silent night or day." 

Smith is just one of many Hongkongers who won't be spending the festive period in the midst of a happy family. For some - be they single, divorced, separated or just simply far from home - Christmas is less of a dream and more of a nightmare when forced jollity and the emphasis on the family serves to amplify their loneliness. 

There's an increase in suicide figures around the world during the winter solstice when we should all be, according to that famous Bing Crosby number, Dreaming of a White Christmas. 

 According to psychological profiles conducted during the holidays by a medical website, research has shown that 10 per cent of the population is significantly affected by seasonal affective disorder (SAD). Its sufferers experience chronic fatigue, difficulty in sleeping, irritability and general feelings of sadness. With time off and fewer hours of sunlight, dropping temperatures and a tendency to stay indoors, Christmas also becomes a time for self-introspection. And that's not always a good thing. 

According to clinical psychologist Katherine Kot Lam-kat, as picture-perfect images of the happy nuclear family are advertised around town, those with imperfect familial pasts (which is just about everyone) cope with it in different ways. "One of my former patients said to me that Christmas was the worst time of year for her. It always reminded her of her past and how poor her relationship was with her own family," Kot says. "With constant reminders of how it's the time a family comes together for the season, it made her feel worse as she saw something she never had. So she distanced herself from her parents, but that also didn't help. That brought on a bout of loneliness as she was alone and saw that her friends were with their family. It's a vicious cycle." 

Alienated from family and friends at a time when every holiday film celebrates the coming together of loved ones as an inevitable end, the pressure to attain that feel-good factor is immeasurable. "I've been away from my parents' house for nearly 13 years, and holidays are always tough," 

Investment banker Mary Kate Brooks says. "In expat communities, almost everyone is in the same situation: far from home, friends and family. Cliques tend to form as substitutes for families, and once formed they don't welcome newcomers readily. I couldn't always afford holiday air fares, so I would spend holidays quite literally alone." But instead of throwing a pity-party for one, she now throws a bash and invites all and sundry. "Nothing sucks harder than watching all your friends get ready for the holidays, all talking about their plans, apologising for having something to do and making excuses as to why they can't include you such as: 'I'd invite you but it's not my party' or 'so and so has spent a fortune on her party and I can't ask her to include someone she doesn't know' or 'it would be awkward having a stranger in the house on a holiday'. "It's more awkward knowing I could've made room for someone and just didn't bother to do it. I make it clear that anyone who encounters anyone with no Christmas plans is obligated to bring them along." 

While there is no statistical data on an abstract area like loneliness, psychiatrists and psychologists say they've seen a drastic increase in the number of cases of people suffering from mental and physical disorders, the by-products of their loneliness. 

"While most people may dismiss being lonely as a passing phase, it can be a silent killer if not addressed," psychotherapist Anjali Chhabria says. "It can cause anxiety, clinical depression, stress, hypertension and other psychosomatic problems, apart from triggering physical ailments such as cardiac problems, body aches and migraine. In extreme cases, it can trigger suicidal thoughts." Unhooked from filial links, disconnected from childhood friends, distant from relatives, the classic case of over-indulgence during the winter break isn't necessarily just a case of staying at the party too long but a sign that someone's looking for a sense of comfort in food, drink and drugs. "It's self-harm. It's like saying: 'who cares if I overeat or overdose?' Questioning one's self-worth stems from loneliness," says Chhabria. 

Smith's plan to conduct a bar crawl is not the ideal solution, says Kot. Instead, it could backfire, leaving him in a worst state of mind with the added ache of a hangover the day after, "You must have seen those who drink and drink till they can barely stand," she says. "Then they become sadder still as their emotions overwhelm them, the crying drunks. I'm not sure if alcohol is ever a good idea when depressed." 

The pressure to exchange suitable gifts, the cost of drink and food and clothes and decorations all add to the pressure. Then there is the financial strain. But Kot is not so sure: "In Hong Kong during Chinese New Year there's more exchange of currency, a lot of shopping, exchanging red lai see packets, so the financial pressure is around then too - even more than in Christmas, but there isn't as much anxiety. 

"The New Year brings a sense of new beginning and hope, whereas it's the end of the year now, when you're looking back at the year and what you've achieved and done and accomplished or you are facing your family, your past, your relationships. There's a very different sense of concern. I think money doesn't have as much to do with it. For once!" 

So, what is the best way to tackle the holiday blues? With a pre-emptive strike, according to psychologists, loneliness, they say, is "an adaptive crisis", which means it can be overcome by changing the conditions around you. "Talking to someone else immediately releases the burden of the holidays. It might seem like a simple solution, but you'll be surprised how effective it is," says Kot. "Don't be so isolated. Don't get more depressed because of that or by getting drunk. Engage yourself in a healthy activity, do something constructive, help a friend, do something meaningful. Do anything positive that will make you feel more valuable." 

 Don't be tempted to seek solace in a bottle. Instead, try some constructive work which can be anything from working with a charity to finishing off the entire collection of Oscar Wilde prose and plays. It can even be taking a break by spending the long weekend at a nice hotel. 

Or follow Brooks' lead: "I adopt every 'holiday orphan' I come across. When I throw a party I invite everyone I know, leaving no one out."